18 april 2026
I recently watched a video essay about BS jobs, and while I'd definitely heard about the concept before, something about sitting there, procrastinating (but not really procrastinating since I still had multiple days to get my task done) made me think:
Am I being my own watchful boss? Am I performing productivity for myself to prove I'm working hard all the time, when really I'm watching YouTube videos because in reality, I'm tired of working hard all the time and it would in fact be more productive for me to just stop, go and rest and enjoy my life, and then come back some other time? It sorta felt like when you're twiddling your thumbs and pretending to work so you don't get fired, but instead of getting fired I'll just feel like crap for not "working (hard) enough".
Recently, I had dinner with my sister and she implored me to really consider what I want to do with my time. I think I base a lot of my identity and pride on my ability to be hardworking, but the older I get the more I realize maybe that's not really what life is for? It's funny to think at my old age of [REDACTED] that I'm still figuring out how to live and how to actually enjoy living.